---007---

My useless days of unemployment is filled with fake pleasures, luckily sweet Lord still granted me a working mind creating writings; that is my lost paradise running from reality. I always believe that there’s God’s plan in all this changes, the sweet Lord wouldn’t lead us to the valley of shadow won’t He?

There is nothing but hollow space beside me and wide open space up above my head. Heart keeps telling myself that I am a well-developed human being that is in process of learning and waiting for the best. I must take my lesson and finish them, not leaving the classroom like a preschool kid before it ends. I can face my monster with the help of people that kept on remind me of lesson I once forget in time.

Right now is early 2008, and i'd like to filled-up my wide head space with daydreaming of the brilliant state of my own future. I lived in a situation where I’m comfort at, ya know, where the grass is green-- even the neighbor's is greener-- and the weather just perfect. But this is no good, coz I have a goal that I have to fulfill. An intimate ambition towards a mutual personality and self development. It takes more than 300 Spartans or 4 super heroes combine all together for me to achieve my dreams. If 50 Cents were here, he would say: “Get Rich or Die Tryin”..haha.

I always dream of a better living without relying on my mommy, I’m supporting myself together with my little own family, we’re having a nice descent living place in New York. Me running my own company-- okay, i'm a businessman is still reachable. With a little black cat and soft-light-brown wall colors, where we have 3 bedrooms and a mini-bar. If I peeked out to the window in the morning, I’d see busy day of NYC filled with hedonism and individual-workaholic-pressured-world. We’d have two cars (one Mercedes and one Japanese) in the garage, a butler, a chef and a handyman.

But again, to have all the things I’m dreaming above, I must have something to smack me up and get my ass to move. So, life has giving me the key and lead me to the door. I’ll start with applying for scholarship somewhere in Europe, start my life from scratch there, let's say intakes on 2010, graduated, then in the next few years I’ll hop into USA and living my life in New York. All I gotta do is believing, working and praying and the universe will start to do the rest.

.AAMIIN.

Welcoming New Dramatic Spirit

Huaaaaa, long time y’all! My oh my, we're on the opening of the year (again). It felt like I was just entering 2007 with a bright, energetic and full of resolution ready to be fulfilled. Now, it's my turn to be busy making my how-do-i-finish-another-year list. Hmm, I guess it is done and now it’s time to move on to another page of myself and stepping into another realm of life level. It’s sweet, bitter, dark yet adventurous this remarkable 2007. His guide is so real I can feel Him touching me and say: “You did great, My son.”

Well, all we want is something happy for ourselves, our family, our love story to turned out to be okay and yes, pocket full of ching-ka-ching. I made some happen this year, some went bad and disturbing, but most of them make a good mixture of my life story. I red my blog, most of them filled with stories of desperation, courage of being tortured and fragile single soul afraid to be left out alone in the big jungle. Guess what? No sir not next year. Years to come I will be more mature and self reliant, more powerful to fight them, more controllable the other me inside, brave to spit on your faces and say no to what I really don’t like doing. Sounds harsh, but as a tree grow tall, it will grow stronger and harder. Maybe I can't put aside my melodrama-personality; at least I can make this pathetic life more interesting with dramatic point of view.

“That everyday people, they lie to God too. So what makes you think, that they won't lie to you?” that’s what my sista, Lauryn Hill told me. So I start to build the firewall against the world outside, not a single trusted program can enter my delicate heart. It was me with full anger capacity, cold against every people try to reach in. But somehow deep inside, I was lonely and more hurt than before, damage by my own ego and self-denial. At the beginning of 2007, I felt something was different about me, after I cooled myself down for a while. I started to loosen up and felt the life I’m living.

My point is, I change myself like no one can do it. I’m an engineer for my own heart, body and soul. The lesson I learn wasn’t easy and cute, but meaningful turning me to be stronger to face another year. Yeah, life always has its own way to protect us somehow. Between the barb wires and open wounds, we can always find hands that will heal us and at least make the pain go away. All I can say is: have a blast year of 2008 guys. Be crazy, be happy, be fun with yourself becoz it’s your life after all. Ciao!!

rainy day makes it easier

Everyone wants someone who could take care of themselves. I mean really care, really share. Is there someone like that? The answer is YES, I've been there, felt everything that a person shouldn't give that kinda attention to me.

I have this feeling for someone who I thought was nice, smart, and maturely responsible. We met, we talk and everything was just right. Until we just crossed that line where pressed “oh-my-god-i-never-thought-we-act-this-way” button.

Then i was scared. Scared of nothing. Coz there is nothing. Hard to explain, but felt so real.

I'm not trying to make another drama by keep telling me to avoid that one i'm running from. It's just not easy. REALLY NOT THAT EASY. call me foolish, call me pathetic, but that's the way i am.

Then, I try to examine myself to why I like someone who is better than me. I mean, we all are, right? Either that is physically, financially (bwahahaha), emotionally or intelligently on a higher level than ourselves, those are the types we're looking for, for the sake of self development.

And frankly speaking, our eyes is the first gate to the rest of our body & mind, correct? Its bullshit when other telling you “I like that person by his/her inner beauty”. i mean, c’mon… how do you know if you haven’t seen them!? Anyway, I want people to be sexually attracted (theoretically speaking) by the way I am. so I improve it by make a first impression yet the best they ever experienced. Then, I armored myself with knowledge from every aspect of life; at least people can’t fool me then.

But then again speaking, it is still depends on how we open the door of ourselves to other people when they have reached our door grip. My door is bit rusty with hurt and pain all over. So I always have to try harder to let people in, especially that particular one that can close back the door and stay in forever.

Puzzling Truth

Hi stranger. Hiya back. Do you think this story is gonna finished with happy ending?. Happy ending is for the story that haven't finished yet. I watched Mr & Mrs. Smith days ago for the million times i could count. Those lines are my favorite. Nevermind. Mmm.. Yesterday the moon was at its most beautiful. The color was very orange almost blood-red, as big as if it’s giving so much protection. I smile and just silently looked up at the clear night sky, letting my mind roam free.

Time is sliding away from my hands, when she starts counting on my days I could never remember who I am and where I’m standing. My life was nothing but a big wide space to let people draw upon it with their colors: black, grey, violet, red and another black. What? Yes, I still consider them as colors, so it is in my world and me as its monarch. Where I could jump, scream, cry, pray, orgasm between my wisdom and even afraid of the nothingness, it is all possible in my self-cocoon-shelter.

I have learn few things regarding my new life with her. We have shared every thoughts, joy, pain, sadness, jokes, heart with all it complicated meanings yet we understand each other. Every hard times due to our unforgiven past has set us into sweet trouble. But somehow we understand that two different individuals set into one same relationship is the whole meaning of love. 

We always overlooked from the very same spot we connected, the vibe is there but we didn’t feel and listen. That love is actually there, just like the truth everyone believes, so alive like the air every creatures breathing. Even though we’re so different, actually we have so many likenesses in each other. A puzzle completes another. She'll be my last piece i pray.

Truth is painful, but it always telling us the right thing to do.

jakarta di waktu malam

i couldnt sleep last night. i dunno, maybe too much laziness yesterday. oh...what a marvelous quiet world in this almost morning hour. one says, "if one couldn't sleep, then one got no blessing. coz good nite sleep is a blessing." hmph, he got me there.....but this is the waking hours of my brain, of my soul to stop for a moment in my life and think. i lose myself after i got this job. not that i hate it. i love the people, they care me soo much! cant thankfull enuff. but back in the days i'm free as a wild fox, i used to ride on and hit the gas in the middle of the night listening to my CD player hitting the road of Jakarta, anywhere. or just ringing over my friend's phone, ask them out, find a nice spot and snap cool pictures of nite life in a big city. or just walking by myself with a nice warm jacket, music in my pocket plugged to my ear and passing every street corner or redlights. sometimes i passed a person sleeping on the side walk with his son, or a grampa just alone curving himself into warmth. everytime i saw them i could do nothing to make their life better. just whisper to myself softly: "Lord, bless them." becoz i believe word is the most powerful energy ever. well, that's just fun memories i could only talked now. i like night time, it's like u could do almost anything. not mention no sound at all, peacefull and calm. i never lit my light in my room. only my desk lamp. i like darkness, it felt comfortable. soothing soul & my eyes. i gotta do some crazy shit again, do something challenging. i'm tired of parties, never stop turntable, i need a gettaway.

boi next door

pretty long time no write. i got zillion things to do over past months. cliché yeah? sidang tugas akhir has been the heaviest burden of mine, but ended with smile. hihihi. and right now, i’m vacationing myself with working. freak? thanks. from this I realize that dealing with network and stuff from 7.15 till mostly 6pm is hell and really drying out my energy and absolutely have no time for shopping. nevermind. thank God, the chair is quiet comfortable, at least my butt wont get hurt sitting here along day, the no-firewall-access internet, smiley-and-fun people (love the environment), slurrrrrrrrrrppp menus of lunch, yeah those pay!

working is the only thing that keep me alive –literally- and also something that I can keep my mind from wondering off to negative things. hmmph… i should stop this o-pitty-me attitude and grab on to something. sometimes we just aren’t grateful enough when we got a better situation and an advance level of life. just be thankful and carry on, so i did.

last weekend was in

bandung

. i’m enjoying moment of break after 5 working days with endless source codes and network complaint calls. forget all my works, deadlines and appointments, just try to feel my breath from this devastated lungs. saturday weather was fine, great night (oyea, last 2 weeks was my comeback time on clubbing, but sepi bgt kayak kuburan instead of date 7/7/07), cool air hitting each of my tired faces after business days. then the next day all i did was just bath-tubing, hairdressing, window-shopping, tennis, mongolian lamb chop barbeque, and of course, well-sleeping.

anyway, my graduation is another 4 days and it feels just the same. it's actually my ticket to next phase. we already have been through all kind of life episodes, different organizations and all sort of social communities. school life, college fraternity, window shoppers, the friendster, sport clubs, religion affiliation, clubbing act, media relations, gossip group, cyber-communities and even family members, has taught us to be the you-have-to-do-this person.

being ourselves is the most precious thing we have right now. why should we cover hey-this-is-me inside and play ordinary human out there? even God couldn't change us into something we don't want to be or do. He can only show us the door and it is us who must walk through it. my eyes have deceived me in many ways. it only show me things I want but never what I need, it began to run down slowly within my veins and pumping my dry-cold-heart. all i have to do is work my ass off and focus to build my own career somewhere in part of the world.

and now, that another door is open.

i pack my bag and hit the road.

another somebody to love also

Aku didera cinta lama.

Bukan buta, bukan tak biasa, tapi meraja.

Tak biasa memang.

Terlalu fana namun bagiku ini seolah nyata.

Dia mungkin bukan siapa-siapa.

Namun mampu membuka gerbang karat ini.

Gelap dibuat sedikit lebih terang, yah setidaknya aku tahu kemana langkahku berjalan.

Kemarin dia siapa-siapa.

Namanya selalu ada dalam benak, pikir, langkah, nafas, senyum, mobil, handphone, bibir, dan hmm….hati.

Bullshit mungkin terdengar. Tetapi tidak.

Terlalu lama kunci ini aku pegang lagi sendiri sejak ia kembalikan.

Kukantongi dan tidak pernah aku keluarkan apalagi kugunakan.

Mengunci bibir dan hati kecilku. 

Mungkin aku terlalu lama dalam sisi gelapku. Terlena karena pedih, terbuai dalam mimpi dan memori yang mengiris.

Tapi aku suka gila. Apapun alasanku dia telah ada lagi dalam lembar diriku yang kini telah berubah.

Seiring waktu pribadiku bergeser ke arah cahaya. Mencari sesuatu yang memang tak berarti: cinta.

Dia baik, perhatian, biasa, luar biasa, apa adanya, menjagaku dan membawa sebuah ketulusan yang tidak ada tapi terasa hingga ke dalam dada

Apa aku salah? Apa aku gila?

Banyak kata melawan diriku atas dia. Aku tak perduli. Siapa?

Biarkan aku berjalan berdua kali ini, sebab lihat, dibelakangku hanya langkah kakiku saja yang ada.

Mungkin beberapa langkah yang tidak beraturan yang melewati alurku.

Namun kali ini aku ingin mencoba menjadi manusia.

Mungkin tidak seutuhnya karena munafik.

Sedikit waktu yang ada untukku, ingin kubagi sedikit untuk dirinya.

Memang fana, sama saja seperti diriku, dia, dunia dan seluruh isinya.

somebody to love

hey. i’m at ohlala plaza dago right now. one of my fave place since i can be here for whole day off.

as it is hot noon, ice cream is a must, and.. plain OJ. i sat in front of my fujitsu, listening to

india

arie. tugas akhir is like hell, yet i love hell. haha.

i dont understand how the world works in me. nothing seems to go right in order cz of my carelessness. i gotta give a shit on it.

anyway, i'm so fragile right now. well maybe i was and always, just the time makes this feeling so strong.

i didn't know what makes her bitching on me that time since i got no mistakes on her. what the hell, i don't give a shit. she did always looking for trouble for no reason. but at that moment, that exact moment she was yelling, slamming stuff, shitting on me, i felt that living again. maybe it was too long for me living in such illness state. but i admit it to the world. i loves living the shadowy and dark valley. more peace, more comfortable, more alive. don’t ask me why. it was too long i'm lullabied in the so-human-world.

for now, i don't give a damn about commitment, i'm not the need-string-attached kinda guy. but why she needs what i dont really need right now?

tuesday.................. mayday!!!!

I woke up quite early this morning, can't sleep. I dunno whats bug me last nite. phone calls, yeah. another and many more.

10am. i'm in being lab assistant by now, for the old bestfriend. Hahaha. Suddenly i'm about to upload one photo of ours. Hmm.. Somehow I was getting closer to be separated from him but haven't been until now. once i heard that friend lasts forever. don't know. This human life is getting weirder everytime.

Well, many friends told me that i'm changed since then (since when? hehe). Well, actually i did try. I had started not giving everything or anything. Something has changed but what i hoped it doesn't change me much. I just wanna get rid of that cold, dark and cynical side of mine. The fact is: i'm not too friendly with changes.

Maybe i'm human afterall..

the selfishness ego

i dunno why but i feel like when i'm in the deepest kind of level, i love blogging. just like now..

today's quite hot. i'm trying to avoid the heat and the sun anywhere i could. i dunno, things just get a bit tighter lately, mentally.

sunday night was a jam. awkward? thanks. dancing all nite long. well, i did broke my promise that i make to myself: quit partying for sometimes. but i was in a jam my self. i'm stuck on my papers, got no fucking idea! so anyway, it was just one night of fun. Well, whatever happen, i lost control. bit*h!

how could i turned to a jerk? This: hectic month. it felt like world goes down on me. actually, this was my mind said to me. My life is not for me, it's for those i'm living with. in the short words, i'm overlimit to others. then got no space for myself. i thought they knew me but they dont. sorry. hff.. but nevermind.

surely i shouldn't blame someone or something else for what has happenned in my life. my ego has landed. please understand me: i'm out!!